I failed today.

As a practicing Stoic (at times), I aim for having zero casualties when it comes to emotional blow-ups. That said, if you see me out in public you very well might have the opportunity to walk up to me and yell, “J’Accuse!” as I walk around breathing deeply trying to collect myself. As you may have heard me admit before, my son is my little emotional sniper.

Every little attitude, slammed door, or refusal by my five-year-old son to follow our directions throws my emotional state into a primal panic. I’m working on it, but it’s still the toughest battle I’ve ever fought.

However, with EVERY other human on the planet, I’ve been able to keep my cool. Well, that was true until today.

I got upset today in public. It was the first time in almost six years that happened.

Whether it’s a road rager, a Karen, or an irrational sports fan, since just before my son was born, I’ve always been able to take the cool, higher road. My go-to tactic is very simple and easy to deploy: smile or laugh at it all. As long as my family’s physical safety isn’t in danger, I get pretty nihilistic in those moments and ask myself: does it really matter?

I was not always like this. Before Stoicism, I played ice hockey and was proud to be the enforcer, always looking for fights. At bars and parties, young me would hit on guys’ girlfriends and wives overtly then make fun of them when they didn’t respond or defend her. I was the king asshole of assholes because I lived on emotion and ego.

But then I became aware and got better. Today, I failed at both.

Here’s what happened: I visited a new gym while traveling and was just starting to stretch in their weightlifting room; a bit bigger than a hotel gym. Shortly after I arrived, one gentleman left and it was only me and another guy.

We’ll call him Mr. Important.

Mr. Important was on his cell phone speaking to somebody through his earbuds. If it was a normal conversation, I wouldn’t have cared. But it was the kind of conversation you would expect a young stock broker to have with their fraternity brother about making their first million dollars. Loud. Overly animated. And walking around the room. Happy for you. But read the room.

After about 15 seconds, from the floor, I asked Mr. Important if he could end his call or take it into the hallway.

He asked why.

I said because I didn’t want to listen to him while I worked out.

He said, too bad. Put your earphones on.

Enter emotion. I felt my face get hot. I told him I don’t work out with earphones.

He said he didn’t care, that was my problem. Then, as he waved at me and turned away, he told me to shut up and get back to working out.

Enter ego. I stood up.

I am the first to admit that I am self-aware enough to know that my first move of aggression is always physical intimidation. I am six foot tall and right now weigh just north of 200 pounds.

Mr. Important looked to be about Tom Cruise-tall and a buck sixty. My honest to God thinking at the moment was maybe he hadn’t noticed how big I am when I walked in before I got down here. Perhaps by me standing up this man child will see he should listen to me.

I asked him to excuse me as if I didn’t hear him.

Mr. Important then played the, “Do you know who I am?” card. Hence, the name.

I’ll give you two guesses what my response was (and your first doesn’t count). “I don’t give a f**k who you are. Let’s go outside and you’ll find out who I am.”

End scene.

I clenched my jaw and turned around without saying another word. I walked over and put my mat back on the wall. I left staring at him as he presented the universal human expression of, “What?”

To my surprise, he followed behind me and said he was “getting the manager on me.”

I didn’t take the bait and walked to the locker room. I started taking off my workout clothes and that’s when I noticed my hands were shaking. I finished changing and sat on the bench, closed my eyes, and breathed in as deep as I could. I held my breath for four seconds and before exhaling, I sucked in all I could once more. Another hold and then I slowly released it all. Repeat as needed until calm.

That last pull of air is called the physiological sigh. Breathing is the only way you can control an organ in your body. Control your heart rate, you control your ability to get calm. Get calm, get logical.

I was out the door in less than 5 minutes after it happened. Soon after driving away, I realized that guy had nothing to do with my reaction. In normal times, I’d have laughed at him and gone back to working out, employing my Stoicism to stay present and focused.

I journaled about it soon after and saw how this happened because I let stress creep into my life as I haven’t been able to balance added duties and a changing schedule. Instead of journaling about it and talking with my wife and friends and mentors to attack it with a logical plan, I let it piss me off.

But “it” wasn’t him. “It” was my laziness in not dealing with problems head on and letting bottom of the barrel dregs on my to-do list become fires I had to put out.

I’m writing this as a reminder to myself and also a warning to you, man. That “it” is different for everyone. When you get emotional is when you make all your bad decisions. And when it comes to scenes like the one I was in today, it happens far too often for a lot of you. And if you don’t do something about it, you could very well ruin it all.

As someone who grew up on the streets, served in the military, and then became a lawyer, I’ve seen this scenario play out a thousand times. A man and his ego and emotions get in the way of him making a logical decision and he turns to the imposition of his physical will, force, or violence. Whether it's his partner, children, colleagues, boss, or strangers in public. I’ve seen and heard about a lot of men losing their shit, throwing a punch and then having to pick up pieces from their shattered lives for years.

Don’t let that be you. You know more than anyone that you’re very capable of the type of violence that could ruin everything for you and the ones you love.

To get in front of this if it’s a common problem for you, JOURNAL!

I’d say best of luck to you and me, but there’s no use for that here. We need to have intentional actions to stay on the path.

If you’ve got questions, read a book or find me somewhere.